Friday, May 22, 2009
The volcano has not erupted but yet collapsed into itself…..
All my fears, all my love, all my failure, all my dreams, slowly built up inside of me hoping to find a confiding friend. I stood at so many invisible glass doors waiting for friends to let me in so I would not have to stand in the bitter cold of loneliness. But yet I sit alone just me and my own weeping thoughts. I should have exploded, said I need help, told someone but I didn’t and now my heart could take no more. My soul could not bear the strain everlasting silence. Like a prisoner more willing to die than to live by body has shut down. I feel as though I am sitting in a shell. Me, my soul, my body are no longer one. Have I retracted myself so deep into my own being that the world seem miles away. I look at people and at the world but it seems so untouchable so far away. My eyes feel as though they were windows of a parlor with me standing far inside.
More than ever I need a friend to save, to break the wall around me, to save me from the silence.
All my fears, all my love, all my failure, all my dreams, slowly built up inside of me hoping to find a confiding friend. I stood at so many invisible glass doors waiting for friends to let me in so I would not have to stand in the bitter cold of loneliness. But yet I sit alone just me and my own weeping thoughts. I should have exploded, said I need help, told someone but I didn’t and now my heart could take no more. My soul could not bear the strain everlasting silence. Like a prisoner more willing to die than to live by body has shut down. I feel as though I am sitting in a shell. Me, my soul, my body are no longer one. Have I retracted myself so deep into my own being that the world seem miles away. I look at people and at the world but it seems so untouchable so far away. My eyes feel as though they were windows of a parlor with me standing far inside.
More than ever I need a friend to save, to break the wall around me, to save me from the silence.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
A long time ago I went for relaxation classes and one part of the class was to write down our happy dream. Basically of a perfect world where we could have whatever we wanted. A fet days ago I was chucking things out and found my happy dream again. I read it and was wondering if it would ever come true. I hope it will, cos reading it still makes me happy!
Happy Dream
In my best possible word I would graduated university with honors and have a good start in the corporate word using my degree knowledge to its fullest. An office with a corner window looking down on a park would be nice.
My brilliance would make me wealthy and I would get both my parents a house and cars an anything they could possibly want. I would get my mother the dog she always wanted and send her for nice spa treatments. I would get a cook for my father so that he eats better food.
After some time (when I’m 25) I would get married to a lovely man that sincerely cares about me and that is very serious about spending the rest of our lives together. A true love story. He would be everything to me, my lifetime love. Would agree on things happily, we would not argue but instead try to reason. He would not blame me when I forget things. We would use our positive attributes to create a symbiosis in which we can both achieve our dreams together
We would have kids and his parents would like me a lot. The heavens will dance when I have kids, it will be a great day. I want to give my kids only the very best in life and at the same time make sure that they do not stray in the wrong direction. I would teach them that the sky is not the limit but the start, that anything is possible and that I and there father will be there to support them all the way
Ten years from now I would see myself in a lovely home outside the city. In a perfect dream there would be a lovely river next to my house with a soft gentle slope so that the kids could swim there and enjoy the water. I would want enough garden for my children to build tree houses with there Father and explorer games with their friends on the weekends.
The perfect afternoon would be to have my kids playing with there friends in the garden my parents and in-laws chatting away over a cup of tea on the veranda and me getting the cake I made from the prunes in our fruit garden. With a beautiful bouquets of roses from the garden in every corner of the house.
Happy Dream
In my best possible word I would graduated university with honors and have a good start in the corporate word using my degree knowledge to its fullest. An office with a corner window looking down on a park would be nice.
My brilliance would make me wealthy and I would get both my parents a house and cars an anything they could possibly want. I would get my mother the dog she always wanted and send her for nice spa treatments. I would get a cook for my father so that he eats better food.
After some time (when I’m 25) I would get married to a lovely man that sincerely cares about me and that is very serious about spending the rest of our lives together. A true love story. He would be everything to me, my lifetime love. Would agree on things happily, we would not argue but instead try to reason. He would not blame me when I forget things. We would use our positive attributes to create a symbiosis in which we can both achieve our dreams together
We would have kids and his parents would like me a lot. The heavens will dance when I have kids, it will be a great day. I want to give my kids only the very best in life and at the same time make sure that they do not stray in the wrong direction. I would teach them that the sky is not the limit but the start, that anything is possible and that I and there father will be there to support them all the way
Ten years from now I would see myself in a lovely home outside the city. In a perfect dream there would be a lovely river next to my house with a soft gentle slope so that the kids could swim there and enjoy the water. I would want enough garden for my children to build tree houses with there Father and explorer games with their friends on the weekends.
The perfect afternoon would be to have my kids playing with there friends in the garden my parents and in-laws chatting away over a cup of tea on the veranda and me getting the cake I made from the prunes in our fruit garden. With a beautiful bouquets of roses from the garden in every corner of the house.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
You had me I was yours,
I spent weeks dancing around the thought of you and me,
You could have had me,
My spirit, my smile, my love and my body would have been your.
My lips your property,
Your hands my comfort,
My eyes your kaleidoscope,
Your love my strength.
Words can not describe the world I could have given you,
But you had to push me away,
playing with me like a bal that bounces of the wall,
you took me close,
once I was hooked on the ecstasy of you a bitter fall awaited me,
fuck the poetry……you hurt me and there is nothing I can do…not even cry cos u knower knew I liked you this much…..you talk of random things but you don’t know that some of the things you say really hurt me. I don’t let you close to me for fear of rejection for fear that you will use my weaknesses against me but yet even without telling you, you still manage to make me cry myself to sleep.
I spent weeks dancing around the thought of you and me,
You could have had me,
My spirit, my smile, my love and my body would have been your.
My lips your property,
Your hands my comfort,
My eyes your kaleidoscope,
Your love my strength.
Words can not describe the world I could have given you,
But you had to push me away,
playing with me like a bal that bounces of the wall,
you took me close,
once I was hooked on the ecstasy of you a bitter fall awaited me,
fuck the poetry……you hurt me and there is nothing I can do…not even cry cos u knower knew I liked you this much…..you talk of random things but you don’t know that some of the things you say really hurt me. I don’t let you close to me for fear of rejection for fear that you will use my weaknesses against me but yet even without telling you, you still manage to make me cry myself to sleep.
Bundled up in my ordinary obedient life is a woman that wants to be heard.
I spend my life in silence, never confiding or confessing.
Growing up with the believe that if a swallow all my feelings I will live a calm and peaceful life. Thinking that feelings do not need to be expressed and that expressing such feelings will hurt others.
But now I enter my apartment and tears flood my cheeks, streaming like a waterfall.
I save others the burden of my feelings but at what price am I sacrificing my soul.
The wild mustang in me refuses to be broken. Fear. Not just the fear of being a burden but also the fear that some day you might take all my confessions and hang them on the town square!
A vicious cycle is born, what means more to me? Expressing myself or not getting stabbed by my own skeletons? I want it to be over and therefore I have made a choice.
My life will go on as it has, in silence and in emotional emptiness to the outside world.
But here my Blog I shall confide in you.
I spend my life in silence, never confiding or confessing.
Growing up with the believe that if a swallow all my feelings I will live a calm and peaceful life. Thinking that feelings do not need to be expressed and that expressing such feelings will hurt others.
But now I enter my apartment and tears flood my cheeks, streaming like a waterfall.
I save others the burden of my feelings but at what price am I sacrificing my soul.
The wild mustang in me refuses to be broken. Fear. Not just the fear of being a burden but also the fear that some day you might take all my confessions and hang them on the town square!
A vicious cycle is born, what means more to me? Expressing myself or not getting stabbed by my own skeletons? I want it to be over and therefore I have made a choice.
My life will go on as it has, in silence and in emotional emptiness to the outside world.
But here my Blog I shall confide in you.
Is this what it feels like? (1)
The room is hazy with cigar smoke, lights are dim and flashing….
Through a curtain of lace and silk strips ….I…yes “I”…
Step out onto the stage with red pouted lips and glitter gel on my body….
The men look at me, I raise my eyebrow and give a seductive smile as I
Stride forwards to the pole…..
Fancy men is expensive suits with even more fancy and expensive drinks
Sit….barely on their seats….
I move my body in all the right ways, with all the right moves,
Anything that will want to make you touch me and take me to…
the underworld of your dirty fantasies.
In this club called Blog I strip for any man with a fancy and expensive drink.
Any one can look, ask me to bend over and I will!
The Blog is the one place where I can undress and show you all of me but yet at the same time you can only look and never touch…
The room is hazy with cigar smoke, lights are dim and flashing….
Through a curtain of lace and silk strips ….I…yes “I”…
Step out onto the stage with red pouted lips and glitter gel on my body….
The men look at me, I raise my eyebrow and give a seductive smile as I
Stride forwards to the pole…..
Fancy men is expensive suits with even more fancy and expensive drinks
Sit….barely on their seats….
I move my body in all the right ways, with all the right moves,
Anything that will want to make you touch me and take me to…
the underworld of your dirty fantasies.
In this club called Blog I strip for any man with a fancy and expensive drink.
Any one can look, ask me to bend over and I will!
The Blog is the one place where I can undress and show you all of me but yet at the same time you can only look and never touch…
Thursday, March 26, 2009
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